For a friend.

“The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.” -Mary Schmich

Sometimes God answers prayers directly and swiftly but sometimes the answer comes when you least expect it and had almost forgotten you needed it. You find yourself on a Tuesday afternoon, blindsided, quite sure that the world is beyond cruel.

But after gasping from the pain, you laugh and you cry and you sing His praise, and somehow, in the midst of all that, your trouble turns to joy because He is sovereign and you trust in His goodness.

When the lie is deeper than I know
You capture me and You carry me home
You see these wounds and rescue me
You always heal things beautifully
-Watermark, “Where to Find Me”

You smile through your tears — knowing that He knows you better than you know yourself, and you thank Him because He is faithful to muck around the deepest crevices of your soul in order to bring you to a place of complete healing and freedom. And in the midst of that process, you fall on your knees and learn once again how to receive His mercies, which are new every morning.

You learn the things you thought you knew; you learn again what it means to forgive, even when forgiveness is the last thing your shattered heart is prepared to do.

Thank goodness it’s not left up to you.

And you smile over the way God intimately and tenderly loves you - giving you small gifts each day — in a phone call, in a hug, in a song. In a girlfriend showing up on your doorstep with flowers, ice cream, and a lotta love; in India Arie belting out your heartbeat when you have no words left to sing; in learning what it means to be a little girl again, receiving love from God the Father.

And the healing process continues, one breath at a time.

And with a smile, you dance and embrace your new found freedom.

–

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love’s open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I’ve been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning them again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn’t keep us warm

I’ve been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

All the people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

I’ve been tryin’ to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don’t love me anymore
Even if you don’t love me anymore

- India Arie, “The Heart of the Matter.”

–

Goodbye.

- Christen Patterson, July 2007